.:: butterfly ::.
Name: Elaine Chong
Age: 22
Birthday: 15 July 1985
Horoscope: Cancer
Zodiac: Cow
School: NUS FASS
.:: flutters ::.
MY LIKES:
sleeping, watching tv
eating, shopping
singing, reading magazines
and getting As for exams
.:: moth ::.
MY DISLIKES:
waking up early
exam stress
falling ill
being broke
and getting fat
___* flyy aaaaaawayz *___ 12:15 AM
* * *
Saturday, November 18, 2006
Its the last day of The Deck aka the Arts Canteen... its the last time i'll see The Deck in this form.. for the new one coming up next August will not never be the same again..
I dunno why i got so sentimental about this... the moment i stepped into the canteen today i felt really sad.. the feeling that im gonna lose something forever and i cant do anything about it... and yet i know that losing it is inevitatable.. and thats the only way for the new to come... All these feelings.. gosh.. for a canteen... I took out my camera phone and started snapping away at almost every part of the canteen i occupied before in the past 2.5 years... Im glad i wasnt the only one, for i saw a few others holding cameras and some even video cams... My particular favourite place is the "sea-view" seats at the end, where its usually cooler and get a good view of the harbour... I looked at the tables.. i could remember those i sat before.. the times i had.. who i sat with.. what happened.. Im an ultimate nostalgic person.. particularly towards architecture... they trigger memories much better than the most well-written notes and summmaries (or else i would have become the top student)... Memories are etched in the physical architecture.. with the building gone, the memories are gone too? Oh so i hope.. or hope not? Im not sure...
Memories... the good and the bad.. the sweet and the bitter... and also the bittersweet... I define bittersweet memories as essentially pleasant events that are remembered, but yet from the point of time that they are being recalled, it becomes a bitter experience, due to one reason or another... In my opinion such memories are of the worst kind... Can you imagine how dreadful it is when you feel sad recalling happy events from the past? Its ironically depressing... Such memories are the hardest to forget.. cause they are remembered both as happy and sad events.. the more you remember how happy it was, the more sad you feel, then the sadness brings on to the next time you recall the same event, and the more sad you become, the higher the tendency you will recall the memories again.. and so on.. its a perpetual cycle... you cant get out of it... and these memories eventually flood your whole mind until a particular table, for example, which can bring about other memories, end up just triggering the same old memories which you try the hardest to forget, yet cant.... I call this the MSM effect - Memory Sadness Multiplier effect.
If im a psychology major.. i would write a thesis on memories... I myself would be the best research subject.
___* flyy aaaaaawayz *___ 12:29 AM
* * *
Saturday, November 11, 2006
At the beginning of the sem, I thought I will not last.. I thought I will collapse.. I had all the worse scenarios in my mind - like dropping out of school, or let my CAP drop to a ridiculous number.. Depression sank during the first week of school.. from the point I walk to the bustop, take bus 30, the journey of bus 30, the places it passes by, to alighting at school, going to LTs, going to canteen, going to library, sitting at the tables and chairs, sitting at the benches, and walking through the corridors, to even passing by the water coolers and toilets... the Earth lab, the Coffee Club Express, the AS7 comp lab, the forum, the... Everything.. EVERYTHING I tried so hard to forget during the holidays came back.. There wasnt a place I walked in school that didnt contain memories.. I walked around school.. unable to prevent my eyes from looking at all these... unable to prevent myself from seeing everything reenacting in front of my very eyes.. i was hallucinating, it was all in my mind...but to me, it seemed so real, so clear, so close to me...I was devastated.. I was disappointed.. I didnt manage to forget anything... How I wish the school can be demolished.. taking with it all the memories..
I started the sem in a miserable state.. I was physically and psychologically drained.. For the past year I almost didnt see a doctor once... but just in this semester, I visited a clinic thrice, visited a hospital once, and visited a counseling centre twice... At first, incessant headache, chest pain and fever brought me to see the doctor at YIH clinic.. it didn’t get better.. then a heart attack brought me to the hospital.. The doctor told me I will not get better unless I kept my spirits up... and that brought me to the school counselor.. Of cos it didnt help again.. I stopped going back when I saw even worse cases at the counseling centre.. I knew nobody can help me.. I knew only I can help myself.. easier said than done.. How do i help myself when im forced to go to school everyday.. facing all the things that triggers my pain.. How do I help myself when I dun have people around me who understands me and whom I can talk to.. How do I help myself when I have no energy and will at all.. Who will give me the strength? Who can give me the strength...
Thank goodness... I was blessed with good project mates and module mates this sem.. Although they may not understand me.. they were good distraction... Had a nice time doing Eco System projects with Kelly and Filzah.. Thanks gals for the wonderful times we had doing fieldwork.. and the nice discussions cum dinners we had... Biophysical projects were great too... though tiring I had a fun time doing fieldwork with Szwha and Emelyne.. the sweat and the laughter.. Thanks gals for bringing smiles to my face.. Though Cities and Regions was my most hated module.. and the project was done under a lot of stress.. I was glad I had supporting group members.. Thanks Hongyi and Afidah for being such good project mates.. and thanks for the wonderful chats we had (when we were supposed to discuss work)... Other module mates like Crystal, Weiyi, Clement.. Thanks for your company throughout super boring lectures... Best friends cum shopping khakis Sheya, Iuanxuan, Zanxuan, Esther and Jolin.. although you all cant be there for me in school.. I thoroughly enjoyed all the times we had together.. be it shopping or just plain chatting.. And last but not least, thank you so much Weiliat.. for the undying support you gave me and still giving me...
Like I said before.. I never liked to talk about sad things in my blog... So if you ask me, why haven you been blogging? I will say, are there happy things to write about? I dun like to write about sad things.. cos im not asking for sympathy or pity... Im asking for empathy.. looking for people who understands my pain and to share my pain.. Many times i wonder... Happiness... How is it defined? Does it mean.. Smiling? Laughing? .. feeling High? feeling Relaxed? Relieved? .. Does it mean it is Real? .. Can happiness be Fake? Temporary? .. is that still Happiness then? .. I dunno... Have I forgotten what happiness is? .. No I haven... I remember what true happiness was.. that was one year ago.. when I had everything that I wanted.. everything that made me happy.. results, friends, a boyfriend, a brother.. I remember what true depression was.. that was half a year ago.. when I lost everything that I wanted.. everything that made me happy.. What about now? What do I have now? What is left of me after all this ordeal? ...I am nothing but a person without a soul.. without hope... without joy... without self.
Now exams are near.. at least im glad that im in a better state to study for exams compared to last sem..
Jiayou everyone.. I will jiayou too..
May we all get the results we want...
___* flyy aaaaaawayz *___ 2:26 PM
* * *
Saturday, November 04, 2006
观山阻隔 且把歌声遥遥送
多少往事 点点滴滴尽成空
千丝万缕 化作心头无穷痛
自君别后 鸳鸯冷亡霜叠重
漫漫长夜 寂静冬寒谁与共
当初叮咛 天上人间会相逢
一别茫茫 身影为何不入梦
情深似海 良辰美景何时在
梦里梦外 笑语温柔依依在
似曾相见 恍恍惚惚梦不醒
想儿念儿 来来往往应无碍
旧日游踪 花儿依在树依在
山盟犹在 只剩孤影独徘徊
三生有约 等待等待又等待
几番呼唤 归来归来盼归来
___* flyy aaaaaawayz *___ 1:29 AM
* * *
.:: butterflies ::.
Jiahui
Zan Xuan
Sheya
Shehui
WeiCang
Iuan Xuan
PeiShi
Weiliat
Weiyi
Junwei
Huihuang
Esther
Jolin
Ling Ling
Fred
Clarissa
EngHwee
Jelena
.:: talk to me ::.
.:: fly back ::.
June04
July04
August04
September04
October04
November04
December04
January05
February05
March05
April05
May05
June05
July05
August05
September05
October05
November05
December05
January06
February06
May06
June06
July06
August06
September06
October06
November06
December06
January07
February07
March07
April07
May07
June07
July07
August07