.:: butterfly ::.
Name: Elaine Chong
Age: 22
Birthday: 15 July 1985
Horoscope: Cancer
Zodiac: Cow
School: NUS FASS
.:: flutters ::.
MY LIKES:
sleeping, watching tv
eating, shopping
singing, reading magazines
and getting As for exams
.:: moth ::.
MY DISLIKES:
waking up early
exam stress
falling ill
being broke
and getting fat
___* flyy aaaaaawayz *___ 10:04 PM
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Monday, May 29, 2006
something i wrote some time ago.. something like a poem but not exactly.. never write such things for a long time le.. standard drop le.. haha.. 
___* flyy aaaaaawayz *___ 9:20 PM
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Saturday, May 27, 2006
Im also very happy for friends.. most of them did well... especially those who were in my project groups.. glad they all got good grades and for those who are graduating, successfully graduated... Haha.. great news that is worth celebrating hor... This sem had been so tough for me.. now that it is officially over.. i really heaved a huge sigh of relief... at least it ended nicely with good grades.. So now i have to prepare myself for a new semester ahead... Year 3 Sem1... wooaahh.. Im Year 3 liao.. that sounds old.. and tough... Haha.. not very enthusiastic about it leh.. Keep thinking that a menacing future is waiting for me.. full of uncertainties and doubts..
Sigh.. this is not the time to think about how bad the next semester can be.. Its holidays! So its time to play and celebrate! Especially since grades turned out well.. all the more i should lead my life happily now.. Yeah. =)
___* flyy aaaaaawayz *___ 10:15 AM
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Friday, May 26, 2006
The main difference, i realised, between us (the previous batch) and this present batch of them is that they are much more competitive... I remembered last time we were much more fun-loving leh.. we emphasized more on enjoying ourselves and having fun.. I mean not that we dun do work or wad.. but do our work then we go out and play.. for them, it seems that they do work all the time... And during each Q&A sessions after each group's presentation.. can see how 'fierce' they bombard questions.. its the kind of questions that picks out flaws and purposefully criticizes.. i personally feel that they are dying to gain participation marks so they rush to raise up their hands to ask questions.. still got queue de lor.. cos too many pple raise up hands liao... Wah lau.. i felt that this was so interesting.. haha.. last time i remembered the situation was that nobody wanted to ask any questions.. cos we are kind pple lor.. dun wan to 'torture' one another with questions.. so in a way we help one another de.. haha.. prof chang and prof teo had to keep asking "Anybody have any questions??"... then silence... haha.. How different it is now..
I really enjoyed the day la.. the whole thing was like from 9am to 4pm.. very long hor.. but the presentations were nice to watch.. i didnt absorb much of the academic stuffs la.. but i enjoyed the jokes and video clips.. haha.. and i also enjoyed gossiping and commenting on the presentations with my friends etc.. Its a nice feeling to be able catch up with friends whom i have not talked to for some time..
Year 3 results were out at 3pm yesterday.. My friends mostly did well or even very well.. very happy for them.. but then i became very stressed.. haha.. cos my results not out yet! My results will be out today at 11am... which is very very soon!! AAAAHHHH.. so nervous..
*breathe in* breathe out* breathe in* breathe out* .... pants pants.....
___* flyy aaaaaawayz *___ 9:50 AM
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Monday, May 22, 2006
The 7am to 1pm shift is so tiring... I'm a night person and i just cant sleep early.. so waking up at 5am in the morning is such a torture to me.. Wah lau.. the sky is completely dark when i leave house at 5.45am... so cold and scary.. eeekss.. And i have to take 3 buses before i reach the Budget Terminal.. One bus that goes to Parkway so that i can change to bus 36 that brings me to Terminal 2 then change to shuttle bus that brings me to the Budget Terminal.. That takes me like one whole hour.. oh man... more than the time i take to get to school!! I slept throughout the whole journey la.. in between bus rides when i change bus i was sleepwalking.. yar im serious.. i should be glad i got onto the correct bus..
Okie la.. enough of the sian part.. Work there was fun actually.. All the aunties there very friendly de (i was the youngest there.)... taught me a lot of things and guided me in my work.. The first thing i learnt was to manage the cake counter which sells pies, puffs, tarts and of course cakes... super yummy stuffs.. I learnt how to differentiate all the different types and their names and flavours and the fillings if applicable.. then i learn how to key in their prices into the cash register and how to collect money etc... Fun leh.. so fun to keep getting money into my hands (though its not into my pocket).. hahaa.. And i met a super handsome ang mo pilot who came to buy a chicken pie.. i made a mistake in keying in but he just kept smiling at me while waiting for me.. oooo... so cute!! Hahaha.. In fact not just pilots.. many of the male staffs that works in the airport are quite good-looking lor.. hehe.. a feast for my eyes.. (but it doesnt distract me from counting money correctly ok.) Anyway.. although my eyes gets a feast, my stomach doesnt... no time to eat breakfast!! But heng.. the auntie who is in charge of the cake counter very nice de.. she kope coffee and bread from the the kitchen and give me.. hahaha.. no lah.. not kope la.. can take de.. just take i didnt know.. hehe.. So at least i had some breakfast.. but hor.. facing all these cakes all morning really makes my mouth water... I had to cut up the cakes into pieces then pack them into the small plastic containers.. got chocolate truffle cake, tiramisu cake, American cheesecake, yam cake, pandan cake, Black Forest cake, strawberry cake, mango cake... haha.. no la i never cut so many cakes... i was just trying to memorise all the cakes there are.. haha..
When its nearing lunch hours.. i would move over to the main counter there.. that sells all the main dishes and drinks.. Managing the cash register there is tough man! Han's sells like EVERYTHING la... Got Western food.. got local food.. then so many types.. Just spagetti got like 10 types.. then got breakfast sets.. lunch sets... so many kinds of sandwiches.. so many kinds of burgers, omelletes, noodles and blah blah blah.. and not forget the variety of drinks.. and so many kinds of desserts... I've got to find the right key to click in order to cash in the correct price.. and with the customer waiting right in front of me.. its soooo stress la... And customers like to have weird methods of paying... 1. give me plenty of coins, 2. give me super big notes, 3. give me foreign currency, 4. give me vouchers, 5. present staff card and ask for discount..... Aiyah, basically its anything but giving me the exact amount!! Wah lau.. this is a challenge to my mathematical skills.. haha.. but i can cope k.. as long the customers dun keep changing their mind about wad to order.. (thats the most mafan de.)
Damn tired la... never wake up at 5am and leave house before 6am in my life... challenging xia.. But i can do it!!!! YESH!! Its the pay not very motivating lah... if abit more then maybe i can be more enthusiastic.. haha.. =P
___* flyy aaaaaawayz *___ 11:18 PM
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Saturday, May 20, 2006
Hey everybody!
My 21st birthday is coming wor!!
Haha.. Im plannning a BBQ party at ECP on my birthday itself.. which is on 15th July.. a Saturday.. Please keep that day FREE!! I'll be sending round invitations nearer the day bah.. But for those who are invited, you know who you are! Hehee..
___* flyy aaaaaawayz *___ 12:53 PM
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Friday, May 19, 2006
Cancer + Virgo
Water + Earth = Mud
This is a rich and fertile combination of two feminine zodiac signs ruled by the Moon and Mercury respectively. Cancer and Virgo in combination can produce wonderfully imaginative results on all levels of experience. Your sensitive ruler, the Moon, and the intellectually brilliant Mercury of Virgo, combine in the most wonderful play of celestial forces. Great friendship and understanding result from this recipe, but at times Virgo has some difficulty understanding your Cancerian mood swings. When Virgo asks you to "think things through and don't be so emotional about it", you'll look at Virgo, and reply, "But can't you feel what I'm feeling?" Both of you are at opposite ends of the spectrum in the way you see a particular problem - you, Cancer, emotionally, and Virgo, intellectually. Cancer is a friendly sign of Virgo and a sector of life fulfillment, so Virgo will slowly but surely begin to experience the more responsive side of your personality. Likewise, you can become more reasonable as the empathy between the two of you gets stronger over time.
The one specific area you must handle is Virgo's tendency to criticize and judge you severely. Your vulnerability, being what it is, may not withstand the ruthless and at times incessant demand for Virgoan perfection. This may also, unfortunately, be translated into your most private area of sexuality, where Virgo demands a performance that is not in keeping with your more easy-going, slower and more receptive nature.
You'll be a good friend to most Virgos, but in particular those born between 13 and 23 September. Marriage prospects, if you choose, can come your way from those Virgos born between 3 and 12 September, as Saturn, your seventh marital ruler, is their co-ruler. You have some difficulties communicating with Virgos born between 24 August and 2 September due to the Mercury co-rulership. You may need to be prepared for some deep and meaningful discussions that are not your normal taste.
Lots of good attraction here and the neighbours will think that you are a really nice couple. (Source: AquarianAge Romance)
For Cancer: This partnership lacks excitement, to say the least, however that doesn't usually matter to either you or your mate. Security and the home are much more important to both you and the practical Virgoan. (Source: Love Test)
For Virgo: Somewhat dull. You both tend to avoid getting involved in activities outside your own environment. Neither of you bother to end the relationship even if it isn't working. This union is a critical and nagging match that results in lowered self-esteem for both of you. (Source: Love Test)
Personalities mesh well. Cancer understands Virgo's fussy ways. Each is anxious to please the other. This could work out fine. Cancer may have to warm up Virgo a little but there is fire under all that ice. Cancer and Viragos money goals are the same. Cancer understands Virgo's fussy ways, and steady Virgo helps balance viable Cancer. Both are anxious to please each other. Both like money and domestic comforts. Both are affectionate but both are also very critical. Each draws the other out of their shell. (Source: Astrology Fun)
Cancer Man & Virgo Woman
A quiet-living couple who will snuggle up real close and whisper secret thoughts to each other. For the Virgo lady, preferably in her ear, the only place seemly enough for such thoughts to go .... (Source: AquarianAge Romance)
This is a good match that can definitely lead to real, lasting love. With a Cancer boy, both you and he will feel more passionate and confident than you do with most other signs. His mushy, cuddly love style makes you feel nice and secure. You won’t have to worry about this boy straying- when he falls in love, he stays in love! You will both have to watch your mouths a bit- you both have a tendency to be over-critical. If you can keep your picky comments to yourselves, though, this relationship has a real chance to turn into the "real thing." It’s a very good love match. ( Source: Jellybean's Astro-Soulmate Guide)
Wow! What a match. In addition to being a great potential relationship, Virgo girl and Cancer boy will probably have the kind of friendship that will last for years and years. Even if you don't walk down the aisle together, you'll share a common understanding that will transcend time and space. What better foundation could there be? ( Source: FUNgirl - Astrology)
Cancer Woman & Virgo Man
This match is very good for you and can definitely lead to lasting love. You have a lot of things in common with the Virgo boy, like your love for order and routine. Security is very important to you and you will find that in this relationship. You also have good chemistry in the romance department. You will draw out the passionate side in each other that you both keep hidden away most of the time. Because your needs are similar, you respect what each other want from a relationship. You will feel fulfilled emotionally in this pairing and fights about either one of you flirting will be few. A good love match. (Source: Jellybean's Astro-Soulmate Guide)
Can you say perfection? When Cancer girl teams up with Virgo boy, friends and family have a magnet for good times and group activities. Backyard BBQ's, movie nights, and Sunday dinners? you're the belles of the ball. Everyone wants to be near the warmth and good vibes that you have for each other. ( Source: FUNgirl - Astrology)
Cancer and Virgo
Virgo's demands may be a bit much for Cancer's desire for peace and quiet. The full, affectionate libido of cancer will not be completely satisfied by Virgo's direct approach to the practical matters at hand. Cancer is sentimental , reticent, and even shy about sex matters, and this can be very frustrating to the Virgo temperament. Once cancer goes into his shell, all the tongue lashing and nagging of Virgo will not bring him out. This could drive the Virgo mate into a state of hysteria.
However, there are good possibilities, with a few common aspects thrown in. Cancer will appreciate Virgo's care and attention to detail, although they may not appreciate the critical eye of Virgo, especially when that criticism is aimed at cancer who takes things to heart as a rule. Virgo will appreciate the loyalty and sincerity of cancer, but will need to be a little more demonstrative and affectionate with cancer.
Cancer & Virgo
When Cancer and Virgo make a love match, a strong, down-to-earth relationship with staying power is the happy result. This is a relationship with great potential to get better and better over the passing years. Both Cancer and Virgo are goal-oriented and disciplined. They are sincere and devoted to one another and share a strong sense of purpose. No lightweight love here: These two were not really built for flings! Cancer and Virgo deeply admire one another: Virgo respects Cancer's quiet strength and dedication while Cancer appreciates Virgo's keen adaptability and intelligence.
These lovers may get off to a slow start, but over time, bonds will only grow stronger. The Cancer-Virgo love match prides itself on common sense and strong principles over fluff and inconsequential or fleeting connections. They enjoy the material comforts of life, but they will only feel good about their bounty if it has come as a result of honest hard work. There could be tiffs if Virgo becomes too critical for Cancer's easily bruised feelings; Cancer needs to understand that it's just Virgo's nature to point out what they observe, that it's not a personal attack. A Virgo may bristle at their Cancer mate's stubborn streak, but it's a trait that a patient and understanding love partner like Virgo could come to appreciate. Also, Virgo's urge to serve suits Cancer's affectionate, nurturing nature well.
The Moon (Emotion) rules Cancer, and Mercury (Communication) rules Virgo. Though they're very different planets, they're both near the Sun and therefore always in one another's neighborhoods. The Moon is a mothering influence; it's about cultivation and fostering growth, which are both central concerns for Cancer. Mercury is all about communication, and it's an androgynous energy -- Virgo will adapt and take on the form that it chooses, the guise that best serves a situation. Virgo takes an intellectual approach to life (especially compared to the emotional Cancer), but still manages to be perceptive and intuitive enough to figure others out if they choose. Good thing for the Crab, then, that a Virgo mate can get a feel for devotion and domestic fulfillment if that's what their Cancer lover desires. These two won't argue about fulfilling one another's needs. They'll work at it and relish the rewards of their conscientiousness.
Cancer is a Water Sign, and Virgo is an Earth Sign. Earth Signs, true to their name, are down-to-earth, but they can also be materialistic and preoccupied with acquisition. The Cancer-Virgo love partners like to surround themselves with comfortable, well-crafted things. Water Signs rely on feeling and intuition, making Cancer the emotive force behind this relationship, in a subtle Cancer way, of course. Along with their desire for prosperity, their love of a fancy home life ensures that this couple will work hard toward this shared goal. Also, they're practical pair, and losing control is never really an issue.
Cancer is a Cardinal Sign, and Virgo is a Mutable Sign. While Cancer gets things going, Virgo thrives on a changing routine of responsibilities and challenges. Because they're so ubiquitous, Virgo will find a place in Cancer's plans if they really want to. Virgo will keep in mind Cancer's plans, and will eventually bring results even if Cancer has moved on.
What's the best aspect of Cancer-Virgo relationship? Their dedication to working toward the same goals. Both partners in this love match enjoy a stable home life and nice things, and Virgo truly enjoys helping Cancer along the way to achieving their goals. Their shared goals and desires make theirs a highly compatible love match.
___* flyy aaaaaawayz *___ 11:51 AM
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Thursday, May 18, 2006
Thanks to Wenjie... both me and Zanxuan can start work on Monday at Han's restaurant at the Budget Terminal! Pay is normal normal la... at $5 per hour... but looks easy leh.. Its self-service de.. so we just need to work over the counter.. no need to serve tables.. Yeah.. hehe... And the manager is such a nice person.. She talks to us as if we were her daughters.. in an absolutely motherly tone and with a tinge of humour.. and she seems to adore Wenjie a lot... keep telling us how smart and how obedient he is.. haha.. just like a mother complimenting her son... And btw, the Budget Terminal really looks "run-down" compared to Terminal 1 and 2... From outside it looks like a huge supermarket with a gigantic carpark in front of it... Thats all.. Inside you get nothing of the nice waterfalls, fountains, flowers, bubble lifts etc. that can be found in T1 and T2.. Its just plain plain de... with a few check-in counters.. But reasonable la.. Its supposed to be BUDGET mah..
At the airport.. other than landing myself a job at Han's.. I was amused by the number of field studies students i met... It was so coincidental lor... I was walking around in Terminal 2 while waiting for Zanxuan to come cos she was late.. Then i saw people walking around with clipboards appraoching people to do survey.. So i knew it must be THEM!! Haha.. i recalled how i was doing the same thing exactly one year ago... how fun.. I didnt see anyone i know la actually... except for this guy called Vincent who is Zhiliang's friend.. whom i know as a super smart guy.. and looks not too bad la... I saw him with his group member at Starbucks.. but obviously he doesnt recognize me.. Then later when me and Zanxuan were at the Budget Terminal we met with another one.. This guy came over to me thinking im a tourist.. Haha.. Before he could say another word i asked him, "You are from NUS, the field studies module right?" .. he was so shocked to hear this and asked me, "How you know??" Hahaha.. so funny.. I told him i was from the previous batch of this module and i was ever willing to help him do his survey.. but he only had the survey forms for tourists.. but anyway he still sat down and we even had a chat... His name is John.. a Maths major (?!)... and his group is doing a project on extreme sports in Singapore (interesting...)..
Later me and Zanxuan went to Orchard cos she wants to find a swimsuit at the Isetan private sale... At Taka i met another few more of THEM!! Haha... Its fate.. hmm.. hehe.. I was about to start eating my Takopachi wheni heard a person calling my name so darn loudly.. i turned around and saw Aidan! Haha.. he is another one of THEM lor.. whom i sort of know personally.. So i was eating my stuffs while he told me about his project while waiting for me to finish up my food so i can fill up his survey form.. haha.. His group's project is about Singapore as a romantic getaway for honey-mooners .. wooooooh.. Something im absolutely interested in.. heheh.. I gave him quite a number of ideas from my own experience... eerrrhemmm.. hehe.. hope it was useful... But Singapore really not many romantic places la... cos everywhere is crowded!! My first definition of romantic is seclusion and serenity.. which is scarce here la.. so sad for Singaporean couples rite...
After we finished eating.. me and Zanxuan went to the Isetan private sale... Its "private" cos its only for Isetan members.. She is one la.. so i just tagged along with her... Wah lau never see Isetan SO CROWDED before... packed to the brim with crazy women.. Im sad to say that i was one of them.. But i didnt want to go de! Zanxuan made me go de! .. hehee.. Anyway we met our secondary school classmate, Tze Min, while we were there.. Another coincidence of the day.. Then at the swimsuit section we saw an interesting "commotion".. A heavily pregnant woman was intending to buy a swimsuit while her husband apparently didnt find it a good investment.. He told his wife, "After one month then you cannot wear liao you buy for wad?!" (She is probably one month from her due date.) She replied, "But got 30 dollars off leh why cannot buy?!" Her husband tried to find another way to deter her form buying.. "Aiyah so wad.. you can fit meh? Looks so small!!" ... Then she retorted back, "You think i cannot wear?! HUR! I wear for you to see!!" Okie.. so she really go try and she really could fit it.. Haha.. Her husband attempted one last time, "But after you give birth le then dun fit le wad..." Then she said, "EH you see ah.. After i give birth le still can wear lor.. i just wear a bra underneath and then wear this top piece over.. its just like a normal top! Can wear to beach ah!" Her husband was left speechless after that... Haha.. So whats the moral of the story? Guys, do not attempt to argue with a girl when she is set on buying something, it doesnt work! Hahaha...
___* flyy aaaaaawayz *___ 9:43 PM
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Water + Water = Deluge
The combination of the two watery signs of Cancer becomes an overly emotional affair. With Cancer being a changeable sign, stability for the two of you - being highly sensitized emotional people - is likely to be a challenge, but by no means impossible. You are both caring individuals and love to express that through your attention to the needs of the other. This combination is perfect for family life, child-rearing and quieter domestic pursuits. You are both very receptive to others and always try to help alleviate the problems of those around you by taking on their emotional traumas. You must both learn not to fall victim to each other by becoming mirrors to each other's weaknesses. Because your empathy is so strong, you may tend to drown each other with sentimentality.
Notwithstanding the excess of emotions in this relationship, this really can be a good combination as you resonate with each other's moods and shifting states of mind. The water signs can sometimes express much of this in community and humanitarian ideals. If both of you so choose, your combined forces will be formidable and can create success in whatever line you choose. Having children together will be an even greater motivation for you to succeed and provide the love and care that is so much a part of your nature.
Cancer & Cancer
When two Cancerians come together in a love affair, a loving and yet very emotional domestic relationship ensues. A Cancer-Cancer match makes for a deeply devoted duo, endlessly loyal to one another. Both will learn the ins-and-outs of their partner, the best ways to heat each other up or, if necessary, to cool one another down. Both will also find great comfort and satisfaction in their underlying commitment to one another. This couple is faithful and caring, helpful and sympathetic of individual needs and very oriented toward making a home and creating a sense of family -- especially when they can get over their brooding, manipulative and self-pitying habits. If they can find a way to keep their fluid and moody emotions in check, this relationship will nurture both lovers.
A Cancer's place is in the home. Once safely entrenched in their personal sanctuary, the moody Crab may forget about the world outside, not paying mind to the opinions of others, only concerned with what's going on behind their own closed doors. This attitude carries over into relationships: Like their cherished possessions and material comforts, Cancer never hesitates to defend a loved one if threatened. This devotion and willingness to fight and toil for the survival and success of their relationships are really a Crab's greatest contributions to the game of love. It's no wonder Cancer's symbol is the 'crabby' scuttling Crab, for outbursts and flare-ups are common with this emotional crustacean. While their mood swings may injure each other's feelings, it's a Cancer's subtle mastery of the fine art of emotional manipulation that one should watch out for.
The Moon (Emotion) rules Cancer, and this Sign is sensitive to the moods that ebb and flow with the Moon's monthly cycles. The Moon, the maternal orb of the heavens, is the celestial force behind Cancer's great maternal and care-giving nature. The energy of this instinct creates a warm, secure home environment, a perfect love nest for the growing and cultivation of a healthy relationship.
Cancer is a Water Sign. Instinct and emotion drive this relationship. With these deep, intense intuitive powers comes a fragility, as Cancer's feelings are brittle and easily hurt. Hence, that Crabby shell in which they hide themselves when frightened or overwhelmed. So often retreating to their shells can put a strain on any relationship with a Cancer, but two Crabs together will hopefully be perceptive of each other's needs for personal space and temporary time-outs. The key is realizing that it's not a personal slight if one of these Cancers wants some alone-time. This Watery element of their nature can protect them and their loved ones from the harsh realities of the outside world.
Cancer is a Cardinal Sign. Though not the most physically active of the Signs, a Cancer's quick emotional reflexes and powers of perception offer an alternate line of defense under stress. The Crab is not shy about getting exactly what they want from their partner. The protecting feral beast within is the first emotional element to leap forward under stress or a threat to the pack. However, these bursts of emotion may overwhelm a Cancer and crush their tender feelings. Fierce loyalty binds this Cancer-Cancer love match, but it can also threaten its very existence. Both partners must always strive to see things from their lover's point of view as well as their own.
What's the best thing about the Cancer-Cancer love match? Their utter devotion to enriching their commitment and the strong emotional bond between them. Together, this pair will protect one another and keep their love safe from the outside world, as well as work toward creating a happy domestic life and nurturing a loving family.
CANCER AND CANCER
They have a lot in common, and that's the trouble. They understand each other perfectly and can wound each other without even trying. Both are too sensitive, too demanding, too dependent. Cancers are obsessively concerned with their emotional psyches: Each needs an enormous amount of attention, coddling, and reassurance, and resents the other for not giving enough. On the plus side, they're sensual bedmates whose erotic imaginations are sparked by each other. But that's rarely enough. This treadmill goes nowhere.
Cancer and Cancer
This combination can make a beautiful love out of their married life, because each will have a sympathetic understanding for the other's moods, wishes desires, and needs. Though there are times were they can totally disagree, with each clinging to the experience and teaching of early childhood, each will understand the other. Both will have the tenacity of glue on paper, once its there it will be there regardless of peril. Each will give sympathetic consideration to this trait in the other, and they should have no trouble in finding constant bliss.
Together you are far too negative for this union to work. Emotional problems will exist throughout the entire relationship. (Source: Love Test)
This match may seem to be a good idea at first, but it won't be strong enough to last. Pairing with a Cancer boy will be comfortable in the beginning, because it's sometimes nice to be with someone who is similar in nature. However, you are both very sensitive and you need a lot of reassurance - and you won't be able to give it to each other. It's easy for feelings to get hurt on both sides in this relationship. (Source: Jellybean's Astro-Soulmate Guide)
When Cancer girl and Cancer boy team up, it's not always smooth sailing. While you may care deeply for each other and share plenty of wonderful moments, you're both ultimately ruled by your emotions, which can make for an unstable dating life. (Source: FUNgirl - Astrology)
Too much in common to make a go of it. Too sensitive to put up with each other. Both need too much attention and neither can give as much as the other needs. Both are too sensitive, demanding and too dependent. They are however matched in the bedroom department but that is not enough to build a relationship on. (Source: Astrology Fun)
___* flyy aaaaaawayz *___ 10:24 AM
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Wednesday, May 17, 2006
Im not sure if it applies to others.. but for me, whenever im in pain i would think of a lot of things.. Especially unhappy things.. especially about what wrongs ive done.. and tell myself that that is why i deserve to go through this... So silly me rite? Haha...
I was thinking about that super long blog entry i wrote.. It contains largely a one-sided story.. my own perspective.. so it didnt tell the whole truth but rather my own feelings that were written at the moments when i was most agitated and depressed.. I realised i cannot make it sound like its all his fault.. becos it isnt.. A relationship takes 2 hands to clap.. I was the one who first slapped the other hand.. thats why i was slapped back.. So to a certain extent i deserve it?
I was too certain and confident of his 'undying' love then... I was so overwhelmed by the bliss that I felt as if i could do anything and he would always give in to me.. So this was my biggest mistake... I admit im a short-tempered person.. I will say it out if i feel unhappy about something.. many a times i forget about the situation and the consequences of my actions.. So this was what happened.. A few times in school when we had conflicts over work i actually reprimanded him in front of other friends... A friend reminded me about the male ego men have.. and the thing that turns off guys the most is to have their ego destroyed.. So i committed that mistake.. I was truly sorry.. but by the time i apologised to him it was too late.. I guess i was considered a lousy gf who could not appreciate his seriousness in work and his busy schedule and still complained about his lack of attention.. And i guess this is probably why he realised his ex-gf is more suitable for him becos she is a much more soft-spoken and quiet person..
So perhaps i do deserve to go through all these... I know its no use brooding over the past now.. But i just wanna reflect on my mistakes and not commit them again... I told him before that i am willing to change for him.. but he said i didnt need to.. But i am still gonna learn and change for the better.. not for him but for myself.. Break-ups are meant to be lessons.. whereby we have to learn from our mistakes.. becos a break-up wouldnt have occurred if there wasnt any mistake made.. So the most important thing is not to commit the mistakes again..
___* flyy aaaaaawayz *___ 9:55 AM
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Tuesday, May 16, 2006
My life is like a drama
My world is turned upside down
I have to set it back on track
Its time to move on
Don't block the way
To happiness
Of others and myself
Its time to move on
I have to find my happiness
Its time to move on
Happiness might not be too far away
Its time to move on
Its time to move on...
___* flyy aaaaaawayz *___ 10:13 AM
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A peacock.. i realised Sentosa is full of it.. they are everywhere loh! I think Sentosa can be nicknamed Peacock Island..
___* flyy aaaaaawayz *___ 12:35 AM
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huiting trying to pose like the little boy
___* flyy aaaaaawayz *___ 12:33 AM
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huiting trying to pose like the Indian girl
___* flyy aaaaaawayz *___ 12:33 AM
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me using an ancient dial phone at the Images of Singapore museum
___* flyy aaaaaawayz *___ 12:32 AM
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that building plus the nearby beach is the Shangri La resort hotel.. if only we could go there to rest for the night (taken from Sky Tower too)
___* flyy aaaaaawayz *___ 12:31 AM
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scenery taken from top of Sky Tower - Keppel Harbour and Sentosa bridge
___* flyy aaaaaawayz *___ 12:30 AM
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my mom and my aunt.. do they look like sisters? (i mean they are really sisters anyway)
___* flyy aaaaaawayz *___ 12:28 AM
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on top of the Merlion
___* flyy aaaaaawayz *___ 12:27 AM
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this is my little niece Yoko
___* flyy aaaaaawayz *___ 12:26 AM
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thats me.. trying to be funny
___* flyy aaaaaawayz *___ 12:26 AM
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threesome on the rocks 2
___* flyy aaaaaawayz *___ 12:25 AM
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threesome on the rocks
___* flyy aaaaaawayz *___ 12:23 AM
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threesome on the bridge
___* flyy aaaaaawayz *___ 12:22 AM
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me and huiting again.. dun ask me about that pose.. we just thot we shd do something different thats all.. haha. =P
___* flyy aaaaaawayz *___ 12:22 AM
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me and my mum
___* flyy aaaaaawayz *___ 12:21 AM
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silly girls daydreaming
___* flyy aaaaaawayz *___ 12:20 AM
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me and huiting and the coconut tree
___* flyy aaaaaawayz *___ 12:19 AM
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Monday, May 15, 2006
My mom got free tickets for the admission to Sentosa and a few of the attractions for 8 people.. And its Mother's Day mah... So i accompanied my mom to enjoy herself lor... Haha.. of cos not just my mom and i go la.. These are the 9 people who went - my mom, me, my aunt, my cousin and her husband and daughter and mom, and her mom's sister.. and Huiting who is my tuition student.. but actually is more like my friend or sister la.. recently we got really close cos we studied toegther during exams.. (baby Yoko didnt need tickets.. so the 8 set of tickets were enough)
Travelling in a big group is really not easy wor.. especially with a 1 and a half year old baby around.. Well.. but that's the fun part.. all the talking.. all the noise and all.. It makes the trip bustling with activity.. fun fun Fun!!
Because of the free tickets.. we got to go to almost every attraction in Sentosa.. one thing cos we didnt have to think about the cost so we just keep going to the attractions.. even if for those that were not free we still went without feeling that we are wasting money.. cos we know we have already saved a lot!! Haha.. and the best thing is at those places that were FOC.. we didnt have to queue at all!! That saved us plenty of time lor.. thats why we could go to almost every place in Sentosa!
These are the places we went in chronological order -
Dolphin Lagoon, Underwater World / Palawan Beach
Lunch at Chinese restaurant
Cinemania
The Merlion
Images of Singapore
Carlsberg Sky Tower
Sentosa Luge & Skyride
Musical Fountain
Yeap... this is to give you a gist of how many places we went! And therefore how tired i was at the end of the day! Haha..
Me, Huiting and my mom didnt go to the Underwater World and Dolphin Lagoon.. Cos we go before not long ago only lor.. For me it was just last year during the Field Studies module when we went together with the Malaysians.. And actually there really nothing much to see there la.. Many many years ago it was like WOOOOWWW.. but now its no big deal cos many countries have better aquariums.. So the 3 of us went Palawan beach and took lotsa photos! Haha.. many are super candid ones.. I shall post them up soon.. hehee..
My personal favourite was the the stimulator ride at Cinemania... Its the kind you look at the big screen and you can feel like you are really going on a rollar coaster ride cos your seat will move to stimulate that feeling.. You know wad i am talking about rite.. Damn hard to describe la.. haha.. Basically its very shiok ah! Its really a luxury for lousy people like me who dun dare to sit on a real rollar cosater.. hahaha.. this is a good alternative... Can feel the thrill but still feel safe.. cos the seat may feel like it has moved a mile but actually it didnt leave ground at all.. haha..
My next favourite was the Sentosa Luge.. hmm.. i dunno how to describe this also leh.. Its a small little thing you sit on.. then you slide down a slope on it.. Haha.. You get wad i mean? haha.. nvm.. GO AND TRY IT LA! Its so exciting!! But i think it needs practice before your whole trip down can be perfectly smooth and fast.. eh.. or is it just me.. Anyway.. Im terrible at steering la.. I cant judge turns.. dunno when to start turning and how much to turn.. Damn lousy hor.. Once i steered into the grass and stop dead... My mom and aunt could do better.. boohoohoo.. STOP LAUGHING at me! Bleah.. i really worry about my driving lessons thats gonna start in June......
My third favourite is the musical fountain.. The show is called "Sentosa Magical show"... Got this newly created icon called the... Sentosa magical monkey.. or wad.. i think.. Its a adorable bubbly colourful monkey.. which was the main character in the laser show and also appear in various souvenirs that was sold at the venue.. little kiddy backpacks ah.. soft toys ah.. key chains ah.. wadever.. to suck the money out of tourists de la.. haha.. but then i admit the little kiddy bag is really cute.. If i got daughter i would definitely buy for her.. haha.. Well anyway, the show was fabulous! Not only got the usual water sprouting everywhere and dancing to the music.. there's also a laser show that tells a story.. there's also fire sprouting out of the water too! Its REAL HOT fire balls lor.. that shoot out of the pond in front of the stage.. me and Huiting were sitting at first row only.. could even feel the heat from the fire balls.. 'cool' man..
Basically by the end of the day we were all darn tired... and i think i shall not continue talking about all the attractions else im becoming like the Sentosa ambassador employed by STB! hahaha... but it was real fun la.. i think STB has done a good job.. despite all the renovations and the monorail is off service.. there were still many tourists and even Singaporeans there.. Well.. it came to me as a surprise actually.. haha.. ooppss.. Not that i look down on Sentosa's charm.. but i used to think its quite boring.. but now i think its worth a trip down.. especially if its largely freeeeeeeeeee! Haha.. yar.. you should go one day if you haven gone for a long time. =)
___* flyy aaaaaawayz *___ 8:35 PM
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Friday, May 12, 2006
Although i'm gradually feeling better.. My mood still fluctuates tremendously.. Directly before i sleep and directly after i wake up are the worst times of the day.. I would feel that there is no meaning in my life anymore and i would cry... I would hold my phone in my hands and hope i could call him just like last time.. and hear his sheepish adorable voice typical of him when he just wakes up.. How i miss that but i have to tell myself that it'll never happen again.. What a horrible feeling that is... Then during the day i would be okiee.. cos i would be fully occupied with activities that i try very hard to pack my time with.. During the day... sometimes i can even feel rather happy.. happy that i have a burden off my shoulder.. happy that me and him are still friends and are still talking.. happy that i have many friends who care for me.. But once the night sets in and im alone in my room.. I would start to miss him badly.. I keep telling myself this is just a habit.. and i have to kick this habit.. But no.. i still love him.....
The first time i met him after the break up was when i went for KTV with a group of NUS friends and he was one of them.. That was on tuesday (3 days ago).. I asked him to meet me for lunch before that.. I felt i had so so so much things to say to him.. but once i saw him i was totally relaxed and happy.. I saw his million dollar bright smile.. I heard his soothing therapeutic voice.. I felt his assuring presence and it melted my heart.. I felt that i had hopped onto a time-machine and i was back to December 2005... End up not a single word i intended to say got out of my mouth.. I utterly enjoyed a causal chat with him that was filled with laughter and joy.. Yes.. it seriously did contain laughter and joy.. I finally saw the him i knew in December 2005.. I was so touched that i could have cried.. but i didn't.. I was just so happy..
I thought.. if everything could be reversed.. if time could go back.. back to December 2005.. and if we could maintain our kor and mei relationship.. all these sucky things wouldn't need to happen.. and life now can be so wonderful.. How i miss the times when we were good friends.. the lack of burden, lack of stress, lack of obligations.. carefree and peaceful.. pleasant and enjoyable.. How i miss.. how i miss.. How i wish.. how i wish...
I thoroughly enjoyed that day.. I told him at the end of the day... I wished that we could just be like in the past.. good friends, good soulmates, good kor-mei.. and i would be satisfied.. I really did felt that way then.. But like i said before my mood fluactuates until i dunno wad i am really thinking.. At night before i sleep and in the morning when i rise i would be overwhelmed by depression and all i want was that everything is but a dream and he was still my loving bf.. Then during the day i would feel much better and could msn or sms him as if nothing happened and his response would make me feel so happy.. This cycle repeats everyday... Im utterly confused by myself...
How do you know if you truly love someone? Can you ever be sure?
I only know to love someone is to let the person be happy... Then what about my own happiness? Then maybe love is about sacrifice.. Then wouldn't love be so hard on yourself? ...
___* flyy aaaaaawayz *___ 10:23 AM
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Wednesday, May 10, 2006
Sorry dear readers... For the past months i didnt update my blog.. for 2 reasons - first i have been too busy.. this semester has been horrendously busy and sucky, second i didn't have much happy things to say.. basically, if you have been an avid reader of my blog, you would have realised i only write about happy things in my blog... But this time im gonna make an exception.. Through out this period of time.. Many friends who care about me have seen my depressed state.. I think i owe them an explanation as to wad happened to me... And i think letting it all out now is a good way to attempt to get over it..
Let me start with the first point. My super hectic semester has drained me totally.. I must have been crazy to choose 5 difficult and time-consuming modules.. every module got plenty of readings to read, plenty of projects and essays to do.. and some also got tests.. I had deadlines every few days and this continued through out the whole semester...
The worst thing is in one of the modules, I had this atrocious lecturer called Linda Malam.. her lectures completely suck, she is damn lazy, she says ridiculous things.. and she insults students.. She is an Australian who just came to Singapore to teach not long ago.. so basically she just dun like the system here.. But I mean if you cant assimilate then PLEASE GO HOME... We are all Singaporeans here.. we are used to the way we work.. we cant have this stupid person disrupting our everyday lives. ARRRRGGHHH.. She makes me boil.. The most ridiculous thing she said was, "You should not be using the phrase 'on the other hand' because its not academic language.." HAHA.. dun you find it funny? How many readings I've read that contains this phrase? COUNTLESS. She always say until her English is damn good.. but when I read a paper wrote by her.. I realized its JUST LIKE THAT ONLY. What a GREAT BOASTER she is.. I tell you she will die for the lecturer's feedback thing.. everyone condemns her. We all have one wish - JUST GO HOME.
I remembered at one time I had this as my msn message - "My life is like a roller coaster ride.. Once I get on it, I cant get off as I wish.. And it is driving me crazy.." I took inspiration from the movie "Final Destination 3" which is about deaths that started from a fatal roller coaster ride.. Anyway, I really felt that way at that time.. that was in January and February I think.. but I mean I wasn't implying I was going to die or wad like in the movie.. I just felt really intimidated by what is in store for me in the future.. Both in terms of studies and in terms of relationship...
These 2 things are inter-related, but I shall touch on the part about my studies first... Firstly, like I said this semester was very tough for me.. From the beginning I knew it wasn't going to be easy.. and I had tremendous stress on myself to perform because the previous sem I did very well.. and I had the intention to strive for similarly good results this sem.. But as the sem started off.. I realized I just wasn't possible to score as well as the previous sem.. then that's when the pressure cum disappointment cum desolation sets in.. I felt like giving up.. I felt I didn't like geography anymore.. I felt I dun wan to do honours anymore.. All these feelings certainly made me under-perform even more as the sem went on.. Furthermore, I saw that most of my friends are going to graduate soon, cos they are in year 3 and year 4.. So when I go on to year 3 and 4 I will be all alone.. these friends have been close to me since the field studies module so I've been sticking to them through out year 2.. and it has been such wonderful time.. to have company for every module is a luxury for me.. Now that they are all gone... next sem I will be reverting back to my miserable year 1 life.. taking modules all alone. To think of all these.. destroys all of my strength to go on.. I feel so tired of school life.. Picturing myself going through year 3 and 4 all alone has made me break down several times.. I am so afraid of loneliness..
If my school life sucked.. you would think my love life is better? ..Apparently not.. Although I think talking about my love life would be revealing the deepest of my personal life.. and a sad one somemore.. But I guess this is the most juicy part of my blog.. and im sure all of you are excited to read this part anyway... Shan't disappoint you people! I suppose the guy involved wouldn't mind if I talk about this bah.. cos most of my readers dunno him anyway.. so wun have the chance to interrogate him or wad bah..
Ever since the field studies module nearly one year ago, me and him started to become good friends.. Probably cos he was also a Cancerian.. he had many things in common with me.. I was actually so surprised to find someone who had such similar interests as me.. For example he likes interior design and architecture.. He reads the magazine Home&Decor and enjoys looking at furniture and home decor items.. It had been a pleasure walking in places like IKEA and Spotlight with him and looking through all the interior design and architecture books with him in the library.. All these years I was waiting for someone who can share my interest and I finally found the person.. It was really a nice feeling to be able to share views with someone else about the same topic.. Not many people is interested in such things, hence I was very glad to know him.. Other than this.. We also like the same kind of music.. like Chinese oldies and Chinese orchestra music.. I've always liked CO music.. I was really impressed that he can play the pipa very well.. i enjoyed asking him all about CO.. and attending CO concerts with him... Other than music.. We have really similar personality.. we are both Cancerians - both expressive with our emotions, have mood swings, follow our hearts when making decisions, at times irrational and illogical, always led by our feelings and have superb sense in guessing other people's emotions and feelings... We could chat for hours and hours on end cos we always seem to be able to guess wad each other is thinking.. its such a wonderful feeling when I can go "Aaah! That's what i was thinking!! How you know? Haha!" .. And somemore we had many similar interests that we can talk on and on about.. We seem to never run out of things to say.. Our longest record was 6 hours on the phone - from 11pm to 5pm.
Most of these things happened after I broke up with my previous bf in early December.. it was from then that me and him got closer.. But I only treat him as a good friend and a good korkor.. Back track abit... ever since the beginning of year 2 sem 1 he was my korkor.. cos at that time I often talked to him on msn and found him a really good soul mate.. So he become my good korkor and I was his good meimei.. Like I said before in my past entries, that was my happiest sem of all.. he was a very good korkor.. helping me with my studies a lot.. And probably it was fate.. we happened to do the 'East Asia' project together.. it was then that we got to know each other even better.. and I was very grateful to him cos he taught me a lot of things.. At that time I had my own troubles with my previous bf and so did he with his previous gf.. So we became each other's soul mate and listening ear.. Thinking back I feel that this was probably the very first mistake.. While I was certain I could keep this relationship a platonic one, he couldn't.. At around the same time I broke up with my previous bf, he told me he has fallen for me.. He told me he didn't love his ex anymore and was contemplating a break up.. I suppose at that time things happened too fast and I was rather confused.. and as usual I was just led by my emotions.. Firstly, I was certain I didn't like him any way more than a friend and a kor.. but I was certain I couldn't loose a soul mate like him cos I was still depressed over my own break up.. So I didn't avoid him and got closer to him instead... I thought by telling him clearly that it was not impossible between us.. I could avoid all trouble.. But I couldn't help but require his company.. be it due to habit, or due to loneliness.. I enjoyed his company and want his company.. Probably that was my gravest mistake.. I only made him to like me even more.. and I actually encouraged him to break up with his gf then cos I saw that he was miserable.. I actually believed him that he didn't break up because of me.. I mean I was certainly a factor.. sigh.. I was too confused to think rationally..
So by January, the start of sem, we were both single... Do you believe that a guy and a girl can ever be purely good friends? ..i often chose to believe its possible.. I mean wun it be very sad if its not possible? Which means we can never be good frens with the opposite sex cos we are always afraid to cross the boundary? ... At first I was quite certain me and him can be good platonic friends.. but by January it was certainly not going this way.. We got ever more close when the lessons started cos we were in 5 same modules.. which means all the same modules la.. So we see each other 5 days a week.. then if got project meeting.. 6 days a week.. Seeing a person a lot can mean 2 things - one is you get more intimate with that person, two is you get more conflicts with that person.. Over the next 3 months or so.. the situation between me and him gradually changed from the first to the second.. Hence, I would say.. taking 5 all same modules is the root of the downfall of our relationship..
I would say.. January and February was the HAPPIEST period of time IN MY LIFE.. In my mind.. all I could see was that HE IS THE PERFECT GUY.. He is everything I wanted.. I mean in terms of communication, understanding, and personality.. we really matched.. In terms of interests, like I said above.. we matched too.. He was just so so nice to me.. so cute so sweet so warm at heart.. He did things that touched me everyday.. For example, he would take bus to my house, eat lunch with me, then go to school with me.. Nearly everyday he would send me home, despite having to take 2 buses (and 1 hour) to go home after that... And at times when he has to go for CO practice after school, he would still insist to send me home first before going.. Also, if he couldn't accompany to school from my house, he would take nel mrt down to HarbourFront to hop on my bus which would pass by .. just to be able to see me half an hour earlier than if he were to meet me directly in school.. He uses a bus pass de.. so he will try hard not to take mrt.. but he used to tell me.. "What's $1.50 when I can see you earlier? It's all worth it as long as I can see you.." .. He is a very caring guy.. he would reach school earlier to buy breakfast for me, so that I can eat during the morning lecture (despite that the journey to NUS from his house takes 1.5hrs).. he would give me his jacket if I was cold in the lecture theater (despite himself being cold too).. There was one period of time I had serious back ache near my spine there.. during lectures when its very cold it'll get a lot worse.. He would massage my back every time I felt pain.. helped me carry my bag (a rather girly one) wherever I go.. and eventually managed to persuade me to see a Chinese sinseh.. he accompanied me there and was my moral support when the treatment as damn painful..
All these happened when we are still in the kor and mei relationship.. well.. at least from my side it is like this.. But I guess.. up to that stage, the word 'platonic' had subconsciously disappeared into thin air.. I admit it is hard to resist from liking such a wonderful guy who has brought so much happiness into my life.. Ya.. So I did start to like him by Febraury.. But I had many concerns about accepting him.. Probably cos he was too nice to me le.. so I was afraid all these bliss will discontinue when we become an item and the honeymoon period is over.. I mean it's a rather well known fact that guys will DO ANYTHING when chasing the girl.. but once they are really together the niceness will just gradually fade away.. im not saying all guys are like that.. but I still think many are. Another concern was about his ex.. I was worried I was just a new-found replacement in his search for a better gf.. I was worried he loved me cos at that moment I was better than his ex.. I was worried it would be too harsh on his ex if he were to be together with me.. I was worried I would be guilt-stricken.. You know? ALL my concerns came true in the end.. I took pains to think through all factors.. hoping I would have a happily-ever-after relationship.. but yet I still stumbled upon all the problems I thought of at first.. which I planned to avoid but still couldn't avoid.. What a fool I was...
At that time when I was contemplating whether to accept him.. I asked Sz Wha whether it is alright if he like me more than I like him.. cos I was afraid an unbalanced relationship will not work out.. She told me it doesn't matter.. cos over time I will like him more.. and might even end up in the reverse... Another thing she told me was more of a warning.. She said that since he could do it to his ex (break up after falling for another girl) he can do it again to me... I guess at that time I was so overwhelmed by happiness that I only absorbed her first piece of advice.. Turns out both advice came true.. Sz Wha you can become a fortune teller. Haha..
Like I said above.. my failure in studies is inter-linked with my failure in relationship.. Right after we got together.. we met with the busiest period of the sem.. which is when all the deadlines start coming one after another.. So our bliss was really short-lived... In fact, our problems started right after we got together.. We are both workaholics.. though he is much more hardworking than me.. We started to immerse in work.. projects started and our conflicts started as well... Although we found so many similarities between us during the holidays, we failed to predict how different we can be during sem time.. Cos we have different working styles.. and every project we are in the same group (actually is all except one minor one).. our conflicts started to roll in one after another just like the deadlines.. We hardly had time to solve the emotional problems between us cos of the workload.. and we often leave our unhappiness and misunderstandings buried... So it just built up over time.. and we just got more unhappy with each other.. he totally didn't have time to go out with me for any other leisure activities other than eating lunch or dinner.. I am sorry for the quarrels that occurred when I was pissed by his lack of attention and affection.. I could understand he was truly busy.. but I just cant help but feel I was always neglected as his first priority is always his studies... Through out that whole busy period.. I was gritting my teeth.. waiting and waiting.. and waiting for IT to be all over soon.. I hoped everyday that work can be finished and I would see the him I saw in December and January.. That day I was waiting for didn't come at all.. till today.
I suppose the last straw for him was when I scolded him for sleeping through out a bus ride and totally ignoring me.. I admit it was my mistake.. But I really missed him so that I really wanted him to give me some attention.. not the whole bus ride but at least some time within that whole trip.. I am truly sorry for my tantrum.. but I guess forgiveness wasn't enough.. I had to pay a huge price for my mistakes..
The very next day after our last deadline.. we had a major talk (FINALLY had the time to).. It was implicit.. but it was clear that he didn't love me anymore.. He said that after all these that happened between us.. made him realized he still loved his ex all these while.. he said that within 3 months we have quarreled more than the number of times he and his ex quarreled within a year.. and this showed that we are not suitable for each other.. I couldn't believe my ears.. I seriously thought the problem lied in our schoolwork.. cos most of our quarrels are due to work.. and our frequency of our conflicts was due to the fact that we see each other everyday and we work together in every module.. also it is becos we didn't have time to sort out our misunderstandings each time one pops up.. and before we know it another one occurs and we just built a barrier between us overtime.. I have always thought things will get better once busy days are over.. and when we have the time to show each other affection again.. and I was determined we could take the time during the holidays to understand each other better so the next sem would be less rocky.. So the fact that he still loved his ex hit me very hard. I recalled how he told me I was the most suitable for him.. I was his perfect lover.. his perfect future wife..etc.. I also recalled how I had many times tried to retain a platonic relationship and also wanted to encourage him to patch up with his ex.. and then I was brought over by him saying he will love me forever and he will never return to his ex... Seriously, TELL ME.. Why did I believe him...
Another one of my biggest mistake was begging him to delay break-up and try to at least pretend that everything was still fine.. cos that was only some time before my exams.. I was really worried about my exams and all I wanted was to deal with this after exams.. Turns out that month was the WORST period of time IN MY LIFE... I've never felt so tormented before.. He couldn't and didn't act.. Everyday I had the feeling of being hung in the air.. so lost and so lonely.. I was caught between the I-know-you-dun-love-me feeling.. and the I-hope-you-still-love-me feeling everyday.. He tormented me with his avoidance and occasional contact that revolved around trying to convinced me that he dun love me and we are over.. and trying to make me hate him.. I couldn't believe a person who once loved me so much can say such harsh things to me.. He said everything saddening that I could imagine.. all except "Let's break up".. this was probably the only promise he kept.. I didn't dare to ask cos I was afraid I cant study if he were to say it before my exams ended... But neither can I study when I knew IT was coming... I cried almost every time after we end a heart-wrenching conversation or after I received another of his harsh-sounding msgs.. My eyes was swollen the whole month and I couldn't wear contact lenses at all cos I cried everyday and actually probably every few hours.. During that period of time.. I was so desperate that I called upon many friends for help.. I constantly needed people to talk to me and study together with me to keep me distracted from the hell-like experience.. I hereby like to thank all my friends who spent their precious time on being my listening ear.. thank you so much for taking time off despite that exams were coming.. I couldn't have pulled through my exams if not for all of you.
Through out that period.. I lived in a state of denial.. I told myself it was just the exam stress.. once exams were over everything WILL BE FINE.. it took me so much energy to psycho myself to think optimistic so that I can be motivated to study.. I kept telling myself to study hard, and that exams will be over soon and EVERYTHING (bad) will be over TO... However, when my last paper ended.. I didn't feel happy at all.. I've lost all my strength to keep that positive thought in my mind anymore.. I knew it was coming.. I knew it was coming.... I knew it was coming........
That very night of the last paper.. IT came.. It was over the phone.. He said he didn't want to see my cry, which might exploit his soft-heartedness and affect his decision.. In my heart I was thinking.. after all these pain you have inflicted on me.. wad kind of 'soft-heartedness' are you talking about? He had his plan worked out.. he didn't even give me a chance to stage a "ku rou ji" drama (crying to gain sympathy).. not that I had the intention in the first place anyway.. But this meant I had no say in this at all.. What he said was IT.. I felt so much injustice in me but I saw no point in rebut anymore.. I felt that it was unfair that he determine that we were not meant for each other just from 3 months.. and somemore much of this time was spent on schoolwork.. not on developing our relationship at all.. He was unwilling to give us a chance at all.. I asked him why he took time to try to revive his relationship with his ex when it was on the rocks, while it couldn't be the case for us... One of the reasons he gave was that his previous r/s was much longer so he felt the obligation to try harder to retain.. So in comparison a 3-month r/s can be given up cos it means nothing to you?...Another reason was that he felt that I would have no trouble in finding another guy to love me in future.. and he can give me up with less worries.. (no comments ... ....)
One week has passed now... although I would say now is better than the time before my exams cos now I have no exam stress and plenty of time to go out with my friend.. but my life can never be the same as before all these happened.. I'm reminded of the hurt he gave me whenever I see things connected to him or something we did.. well.. that's like everything lor.. Every morning I wake up having the hope that everything is but a dream and when open my eyes and on my hp I would see his sms just like the good old sweet times.. but within seconds the reality sets in and I feel my heart wrench.. my heart beat accelerate.. All the unhappy thoughts start to flash in my mind involuntarily.. i start to feel breathless and I would break down.. which would make me even more breathless.. It would take me at least an hour to calm myself down and then I would find people to talk on msn or find friends to go out with me.. Through out the day I would be fine.. cos the my friends and very often the shopping malls provide me with plenty of distractions.. But at the end of the day.. probably cos of the dark gloomy night.. I will start to feel down.. I will do stupid things that will make myself sadder.. Like reading through all the past smses and msn histories with him.. Everything was like a bell-curve.. All the bliss increased exponentially at the beginning, then all the bliss decreased exponentially in the end.. It all happened within such a short time.. I know its damn foolish of me to read such things.. but sometimes I feel the urge and the need to cry.. to cry very very hard.. and make myself very very tired.. or else I cant fall asleep at night..
How am I gonna recover? How am I gonna recover?? How am I gonna recover???!!!
This is seriously the first time I am ditched. And ever since 6 years ago when I secretly admired a guy, I haven had the feeling of liking someone but he doesn't like me.. Well.. at least that time I didn't received that guy's love in return and I just watched him from afar.. This time its different.. the feeling of having something precious and then LOSING IT is much much WORSE.. And this whole ordeal has made me so drained that I just cant pull myself together... I cant accept the fact that I've brought all these upon myself.. I SHOULD HAVE rejected him then.. I SHOUD HAVE made him patch up with his ex.. I SHOULD HAVE chose not to believe all his promises.. I SHOULD HAVE been less foolish... AAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Now I truly understand how it feels to be ditched.. maybe its my retribution.. my retribution for ditching guys in the past.. I am very sorry for the bad things I did in the past.. now I have all these bad things done onto me.. I know how it feels now.. im very sorry... sorry... sorry... sorry... Sorry to the people whom I've hurt before in the past.. sorry to his ex-gf (I mean ex ex-gf) for not giving her back her loved one then.. sorry for not knowing that all these would happen.. If I had known I wouldn't have taken him away from her.. Now I know exactly how she felt then.. I am very sorry.. im guilt-stricken.. this is all my retribution.. all my fears in the beginning had come true!!!!!
He has every intention to win her back now.. I sincerely hope he will find the happiness he really wants and I wish him all the best.. not exactly in winning her back.. but to make a good decision this time and not hurt any one of us anymore.. Please..
"To love someone is to let him go, if he is meant for you he will come back by himself."
Will he come back?
Hopes kill...
___* flyy aaaaaawayz *___ 9:22 AM
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.:: butterflies ::.
Jiahui
Zan Xuan
Sheya
Shehui
WeiCang
Iuan Xuan
PeiShi
Weiliat
Weiyi
Junwei
Huihuang
Esther
Jolin
Ling Ling
Fred
Clarissa
EngHwee
Jelena
.:: talk to me ::.
.:: fly back ::.
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