Finally.. all my deadlines are over... for once this semester I felt so relieved and I must say, happy as well... Went out with Sheya and Xuan darlings to celebrate the end of all my project submissions.. I was so damn high the whole night... kept eating and drinking, and laughing and talking... I was happy.. cos I made the effort to be happy.. I believe that happiness does not come naturally.. To feel happy you must think in a certain way, do something, make the effort, before you feel happy... Throughout this whole semester, I was so tied down by work and stress that I had no energy to make myself happy... the fatigue let me sink into long-lasting depression... Its so much more easy to feel sad than happy.. To feel happy, I must go and find things to do, do things I like, see things I like, talk to people I like.. ...

At the beginning of the sem, I thought I will not last.. I thought I will collapse.. I had all the worse scenarios in my mind - like dropping out of school, or let my CAP drop to a ridiculous number.. Depression sank during the first week of school.. from the point I walk to the bustop, take bus 30, the journey of bus 30, the places it passes by, to alighting at school, going to LTs, going to canteen, going to library, sitting at the tables and chairs, sitting at the benches, and walking through the corridors, to even passing by the water coolers and toilets... the Earth lab, the Coffee Club Express, the AS7 comp lab, the forum, the... Everything.. EVERYTHING I tried so hard to forget during the holidays came back.. There wasnt a place I walked in school that didnt contain memories.. I walked around school.. unable to prevent my eyes from looking at all these... unable to prevent myself from seeing everything reenacting in front of my very eyes.. i was hallucinating, it was all in my mind...but to me, it seemed so real, so clear, so close to me...I was devastated.. I was disappointed.. I didnt manage to forget anything... How I wish the school can be demolished.. taking with it all the memories..

I started the sem in a miserable state.. I was physically and psychologically drained.. For the past year I almost didnt see a doctor once... but just in this semester, I visited a clinic thrice, visited a hospital once, and visited a counseling centre twice... At first, incessant headache, chest pain and fever brought me to see the doctor at YIH clinic.. it didn’t get better.. then a heart attack brought me to the hospital.. The doctor told me I will not get better unless I kept my spirits up... and that brought me to the school counselor.. Of cos it didnt help again.. I stopped going back when I saw even worse cases at the counseling centre.. I knew nobody can help me.. I knew only I can help myself.. easier said than done.. How do i help myself when im forced to go to school everyday.. facing all the things that triggers my pain.. How do I help myself when I dun have people around me who understands me and whom I can talk to.. How do I help myself when I have no energy and will at all.. Who will give me the strength? Who can give me the strength...

Thank goodness... I was blessed with good project mates and module mates this sem.. Although they may not understand me.. they were good distraction... Had a nice time doing Eco System projects with Kelly and Filzah.. Thanks gals for the wonderful times we had doing fieldwork.. and the nice discussions cum dinners we had... Biophysical projects were great too... though tiring I had a fun time doing fieldwork with Szwha and Emelyne.. the sweat and the laughter.. Thanks gals for bringing smiles to my face.. Though Cities and Regions was my most hated module.. and the project was done under a lot of stress.. I was glad I had supporting group members.. Thanks Hongyi and Afidah for being such good project mates.. and thanks for the wonderful chats we had (when we were supposed to discuss work)... Other module mates like Crystal, Weiyi, Clement.. Thanks for your company throughout super boring lectures... Best friends cum shopping khakis Sheya, Iuanxuan, Zanxuan, Esther and Jolin.. although you all cant be there for me in school.. I thoroughly enjoyed all the times we had together.. be it shopping or just plain chatting.. And last but not least, thank you so much Weiliat.. for the undying support you gave me and still giving me...

Like I said before.. I never liked to talk about sad things in my blog... So if you ask me, why haven you been blogging? I will say, are there happy things to write about? I dun like to write about sad things.. cos im not asking for sympathy or pity... Im asking for empathy.. looking for people who understands my pain and to share my pain.. Many times i wonder... Happiness... How is it defined? Does it mean.. Smiling? Laughing? .. feeling High? feeling Relaxed? Relieved? .. Does it mean it is Real? .. Can happiness be Fake? Temporary? .. is that still Happiness then? .. I dunno... Have I forgotten what happiness is? .. No I haven... I remember what true happiness was.. that was one year ago.. when I had everything that I wanted.. everything that made me happy.. results, friends, a boyfriend, a brother.. I remember what true depression was.. that was half a year ago.. when I lost everything that I wanted.. everything that made me happy.. What about now? What do I have now? What is left of me after all this ordeal? ...I am nothing but a person without a soul.. without hope... without joy... without self.

Now exams are near.. at least im glad that im in a better state to study for exams compared to last sem..
Jiayou everyone.. I will jiayou too..
May we all get the results we want...