butterflyy...

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Woke up in the middle of the night with terrible period pains... and realised my house has run out of painkillers... Waited in bed for nearly 2 hours for the pain to subside...

Im not sure if it applies to others.. but for me, whenever im in pain i would think of a lot of things.. Especially unhappy things.. especially about what wrongs ive done.. and tell myself that that is why i deserve to go through this... So silly me rite? Haha...

I was thinking about that super long blog entry i wrote.. It contains largely a one-sided story.. my own perspective.. so it didnt tell the whole truth but rather my own feelings that were written at the moments when i was most agitated and depressed.. I realised i cannot make it sound like its all his fault.. becos it isnt.. A relationship takes 2 hands to clap.. I was the one who first slapped the other hand.. thats why i was slapped back.. So to a certain extent i deserve it?

I was too certain and confident of his 'undying' love then... I was so overwhelmed by the bliss that I felt as if i could do anything and he would always give in to me.. So this was my biggest mistake... I admit im a short-tempered person.. I will say it out if i feel unhappy about something.. many a times i forget about the situation and the consequences of my actions.. So this was what happened.. A few times in school when we had conflicts over work i actually reprimanded him in front of other friends... A friend reminded me about the male ego men have.. and the thing that turns off guys the most is to have their ego destroyed.. So i committed that mistake.. I was truly sorry.. but by the time i apologised to him it was too late.. I guess i was considered a lousy gf who could not appreciate his seriousness in work and his busy schedule and still complained about his lack of attention.. And i guess this is probably why he realised his ex-gf is more suitable for him becos she is a much more soft-spoken and quiet person..

So perhaps i do deserve to go through all these... I know its no use brooding over the past now.. But i just wanna reflect on my mistakes and not commit them again... I told him before that i am willing to change for him.. but he said i didnt need to.. But i am still gonna learn and change for the better.. not for him but for myself.. Break-ups are meant to be lessons.. whereby we have to learn from our mistakes.. becos a break-up wouldnt have occurred if there wasnt any mistake made.. So the most important thing is not to commit the mistakes again..

___* flyy aaaaaawayz *___ 9:55 AM

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