butterflyy...

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

(This blog entry took me a few days to write finish.. date started- 7May, date completed-10May)

Sorry dear readers... For the past months i didnt update my blog.. for 2 reasons - first i have been too busy.. this semester has been horrendously busy and sucky, second i didn't have much happy things to say.. basically, if you have been an avid reader of my blog, you would have realised i only write about happy things in my blog... But this time im gonna make an exception.. Through out this period of time.. Many friends who care about me have seen my depressed state.. I think i owe them an explanation as to wad happened to me... And i think letting it all out now is a good way to attempt to get over it..

Let me start with the first point. My super hectic semester has drained me totally.. I must have been crazy to choose 5 difficult and time-consuming modules.. every module got plenty of readings to read, plenty of projects and essays to do.. and some also got tests.. I had deadlines every few days and this continued through out the whole semester...

The worst thing is in one of the modules, I had this atrocious lecturer called Linda Malam.. her lectures completely suck, she is damn lazy, she says ridiculous things.. and she insults students.. She is an Australian who just came to Singapore to teach not long ago.. so basically she just dun like the system here.. But I mean if you cant assimilate then PLEASE GO HOME... We are all Singaporeans here.. we are used to the way we work.. we cant have this stupid person disrupting our everyday lives. ARRRRGGHHH.. She makes me boil.. The most ridiculous thing she said was, "You should not be using the phrase 'on the other hand' because its not academic language.." HAHA.. dun you find it funny? How many readings I've read that contains this phrase? COUNTLESS. She always say until her English is damn good.. but when I read a paper wrote by her.. I realized its JUST LIKE THAT ONLY. What a GREAT BOASTER she is.. I tell you she will die for the lecturer's feedback thing.. everyone condemns her. We all have one wish - JUST GO HOME.

I remembered at one time I had this as my msn message - "My life is like a roller coaster ride.. Once I get on it, I cant get off as I wish.. And it is driving me crazy.." I took inspiration from the movie "Final Destination 3" which is about deaths that started from a fatal roller coaster ride.. Anyway, I really felt that way at that time.. that was in January and February I think.. but I mean I wasn't implying I was going to die or wad like in the movie.. I just felt really intimidated by what is in store for me in the future.. Both in terms of studies and in terms of relationship...

These 2 things are inter-related, but I shall touch on the part about my studies first... Firstly, like I said this semester was very tough for me.. From the beginning I knew it wasn't going to be easy.. and I had tremendous stress on myself to perform because the previous sem I did very well.. and I had the intention to strive for similarly good results this sem.. But as the sem started off.. I realized I just wasn't possible to score as well as the previous sem.. then that's when the pressure cum disappointment cum desolation sets in.. I felt like giving up.. I felt I didn't like geography anymore.. I felt I dun wan to do honours anymore.. All these feelings certainly made me under-perform even more as the sem went on.. Furthermore, I saw that most of my friends are going to graduate soon, cos they are in year 3 and year 4.. So when I go on to year 3 and 4 I will be all alone.. these friends have been close to me since the field studies module so I've been sticking to them through out year 2.. and it has been such wonderful time.. to have company for every module is a luxury for me.. Now that they are all gone... next sem I will be reverting back to my miserable year 1 life.. taking modules all alone. To think of all these.. destroys all of my strength to go on.. I feel so tired of school life.. Picturing myself going through year 3 and 4 all alone has made me break down several times.. I am so afraid of loneliness..

If my school life sucked.. you would think my love life is better? ..Apparently not.. Although I think talking about my love life would be revealing the deepest of my personal life.. and a sad one somemore.. But I guess this is the most juicy part of my blog.. and im sure all of you are excited to read this part anyway... Shan't disappoint you people! I suppose the guy involved wouldn't mind if I talk about this bah.. cos most of my readers dunno him anyway.. so wun have the chance to interrogate him or wad bah..

Ever since the field studies module nearly one year ago, me and him started to become good friends.. Probably cos he was also a Cancerian.. he had many things in common with me.. I was actually so surprised to find someone who had such similar interests as me.. For example he likes interior design and architecture.. He reads the magazine Home&Decor and enjoys looking at furniture and home decor items.. It had been a pleasure walking in places like IKEA and Spotlight with him and looking through all the interior design and architecture books with him in the library.. All these years I was waiting for someone who can share my interest and I finally found the person.. It was really a nice feeling to be able to share views with someone else about the same topic.. Not many people is interested in such things, hence I was very glad to know him.. Other than this.. We also like the same kind of music.. like Chinese oldies and Chinese orchestra music.. I've always liked CO music.. I was really impressed that he can play the pipa very well.. i enjoyed asking him all about CO.. and attending CO concerts with him... Other than music.. We have really similar personality.. we are both Cancerians - both expressive with our emotions, have mood swings, follow our hearts when making decisions, at times irrational and illogical, always led by our feelings and have superb sense in guessing other people's emotions and feelings... We could chat for hours and hours on end cos we always seem to be able to guess wad each other is thinking.. its such a wonderful feeling when I can go "Aaah! That's what i was thinking!! How you know? Haha!" .. And somemore we had many similar interests that we can talk on and on about.. We seem to never run out of things to say.. Our longest record was 6 hours on the phone - from 11pm to 5pm.

Most of these things happened after I broke up with my previous bf in early December.. it was from then that me and him got closer.. But I only treat him as a good friend and a good korkor.. Back track abit... ever since the beginning of year 2 sem 1 he was my korkor.. cos at that time I often talked to him on msn and found him a really good soul mate.. So he become my good korkor and I was his good meimei.. Like I said before in my past entries, that was my happiest sem of all.. he was a very good korkor.. helping me with my studies a lot.. And probably it was fate.. we happened to do the 'East Asia' project together.. it was then that we got to know each other even better.. and I was very grateful to him cos he taught me a lot of things.. At that time I had my own troubles with my previous bf and so did he with his previous gf.. So we became each other's soul mate and listening ear.. Thinking back I feel that this was probably the very first mistake.. While I was certain I could keep this relationship a platonic one, he couldn't.. At around the same time I broke up with my previous bf, he told me he has fallen for me.. He told me he didn't love his ex anymore and was contemplating a break up.. I suppose at that time things happened too fast and I was rather confused.. and as usual I was just led by my emotions.. Firstly, I was certain I didn't like him any way more than a friend and a kor.. but I was certain I couldn't loose a soul mate like him cos I was still depressed over my own break up.. So I didn't avoid him and got closer to him instead... I thought by telling him clearly that it was not impossible between us.. I could avoid all trouble.. But I couldn't help but require his company.. be it due to habit, or due to loneliness.. I enjoyed his company and want his company.. Probably that was my gravest mistake.. I only made him to like me even more.. and I actually encouraged him to break up with his gf then cos I saw that he was miserable.. I actually believed him that he didn't break up because of me.. I mean I was certainly a factor.. sigh.. I was too confused to think rationally..

So by January, the start of sem, we were both single... Do you believe that a guy and a girl can ever be purely good friends? ..i often chose to believe its possible.. I mean wun it be very sad if its not possible? Which means we can never be good frens with the opposite sex cos we are always afraid to cross the boundary? ... At first I was quite certain me and him can be good platonic friends.. but by January it was certainly not going this way.. We got ever more close when the lessons started cos we were in 5 same modules.. which means all the same modules la.. So we see each other 5 days a week.. then if got project meeting.. 6 days a week.. Seeing a person a lot can mean 2 things - one is you get more intimate with that person, two is you get more conflicts with that person.. Over the next 3 months or so.. the situation between me and him gradually changed from the first to the second.. Hence, I would say.. taking 5 all same modules is the root of the downfall of our relationship..

I would say.. January and February was the HAPPIEST period of time IN MY LIFE.. In my mind.. all I could see was that HE IS THE PERFECT GUY.. He is everything I wanted.. I mean in terms of communication, understanding, and personality.. we really matched.. In terms of interests, like I said above.. we matched too.. He was just so so nice to me.. so cute so sweet so warm at heart.. He did things that touched me everyday.. For example, he would take bus to my house, eat lunch with me, then go to school with me.. Nearly everyday he would send me home, despite having to take 2 buses (and 1 hour) to go home after that... And at times when he has to go for CO practice after school, he would still insist to send me home first before going.. Also, if he couldn't accompany to school from my house, he would take nel mrt down to HarbourFront to hop on my bus which would pass by .. just to be able to see me half an hour earlier than if he were to meet me directly in school.. He uses a bus pass de.. so he will try hard not to take mrt.. but he used to tell me.. "What's $1.50 when I can see you earlier? It's all worth it as long as I can see you.." .. He is a very caring guy.. he would reach school earlier to buy breakfast for me, so that I can eat during the morning lecture (despite that the journey to NUS from his house takes 1.5hrs).. he would give me his jacket if I was cold in the lecture theater (despite himself being cold too).. There was one period of time I had serious back ache near my spine there.. during lectures when its very cold it'll get a lot worse.. He would massage my back every time I felt pain.. helped me carry my bag (a rather girly one) wherever I go.. and eventually managed to persuade me to see a Chinese sinseh.. he accompanied me there and was my moral support when the treatment as damn painful..

All these happened when we are still in the kor and mei relationship.. well.. at least from my side it is like this.. But I guess.. up to that stage, the word 'platonic' had subconsciously disappeared into thin air.. I admit it is hard to resist from liking such a wonderful guy who has brought so much happiness into my life.. Ya.. So I did start to like him by Febraury.. But I had many concerns about accepting him.. Probably cos he was too nice to me le.. so I was afraid all these bliss will discontinue when we become an item and the honeymoon period is over.. I mean it's a rather well known fact that guys will DO ANYTHING when chasing the girl.. but once they are really together the niceness will just gradually fade away.. im not saying all guys are like that.. but I still think many are. Another concern was about his ex.. I was worried I was just a new-found replacement in his search for a better gf.. I was worried he loved me cos at that moment I was better than his ex.. I was worried it would be too harsh on his ex if he were to be together with me.. I was worried I would be guilt-stricken.. You know? ALL my concerns came true in the end.. I took pains to think through all factors.. hoping I would have a happily-ever-after relationship.. but yet I still stumbled upon all the problems I thought of at first.. which I planned to avoid but still couldn't avoid.. What a fool I was...

At that time when I was contemplating whether to accept him.. I asked Sz Wha whether it is alright if he like me more than I like him.. cos I was afraid an unbalanced relationship will not work out.. She told me it doesn't matter.. cos over time I will like him more.. and might even end up in the reverse... Another thing she told me was more of a warning.. She said that since he could do it to his ex (break up after falling for another girl) he can do it again to me... I guess at that time I was so overwhelmed by happiness that I only absorbed her first piece of advice.. Turns out both advice came true.. Sz Wha you can become a fortune teller. Haha..

Like I said above.. my failure in studies is inter-linked with my failure in relationship.. Right after we got together.. we met with the busiest period of the sem.. which is when all the deadlines start coming one after another.. So our bliss was really short-lived... In fact, our problems started right after we got together.. We are both workaholics.. though he is much more hardworking than me.. We started to immerse in work.. projects started and our conflicts started as well... Although we found so many similarities between us during the holidays, we failed to predict how different we can be during sem time.. Cos we have different working styles.. and every project we are in the same group (actually is all except one minor one).. our conflicts started to roll in one after another just like the deadlines.. We hardly had time to solve the emotional problems between us cos of the workload.. and we often leave our unhappiness and misunderstandings buried... So it just built up over time.. and we just got more unhappy with each other.. he totally didn't have time to go out with me for any other leisure activities other than eating lunch or dinner.. I am sorry for the quarrels that occurred when I was pissed by his lack of attention and affection.. I could understand he was truly busy.. but I just cant help but feel I was always neglected as his first priority is always his studies... Through out that whole busy period.. I was gritting my teeth.. waiting and waiting.. and waiting for IT to be all over soon.. I hoped everyday that work can be finished and I would see the him I saw in December and January.. That day I was waiting for didn't come at all.. till today.

I suppose the last straw for him was when I scolded him for sleeping through out a bus ride and totally ignoring me.. I admit it was my mistake.. But I really missed him so that I really wanted him to give me some attention.. not the whole bus ride but at least some time within that whole trip.. I am truly sorry for my tantrum.. but I guess forgiveness wasn't enough.. I had to pay a huge price for my mistakes..

The very next day after our last deadline.. we had a major talk (FINALLY had the time to).. It was implicit.. but it was clear that he didn't love me anymore.. He said that after all these that happened between us.. made him realized he still loved his ex all these while.. he said that within 3 months we have quarreled more than the number of times he and his ex quarreled within a year.. and this showed that we are not suitable for each other.. I couldn't believe my ears.. I seriously thought the problem lied in our schoolwork.. cos most of our quarrels are due to work.. and our frequency of our conflicts was due to the fact that we see each other everyday and we work together in every module.. also it is becos we didn't have time to sort out our misunderstandings each time one pops up.. and before we know it another one occurs and we just built a barrier between us overtime.. I have always thought things will get better once busy days are over.. and when we have the time to show each other affection again.. and I was determined we could take the time during the holidays to understand each other better so the next sem would be less rocky.. So the fact that he still loved his ex hit me very hard. I recalled how he told me I was the most suitable for him.. I was his perfect lover.. his perfect future wife..etc.. I also recalled how I had many times tried to retain a platonic relationship and also wanted to encourage him to patch up with his ex.. and then I was brought over by him saying he will love me forever and he will never return to his ex... Seriously, TELL ME.. Why did I believe him...

Another one of my biggest mistake was begging him to delay break-up and try to at least pretend that everything was still fine.. cos that was only some time before my exams.. I was really worried about my exams and all I wanted was to deal with this after exams.. Turns out that month was the WORST period of time IN MY LIFE... I've never felt so tormented before.. He couldn't and didn't act.. Everyday I had the feeling of being hung in the air.. so lost and so lonely.. I was caught between the I-know-you-dun-love-me feeling.. and the I-hope-you-still-love-me feeling everyday.. He tormented me with his avoidance and occasional contact that revolved around trying to convinced me that he dun love me and we are over.. and trying to make me hate him.. I couldn't believe a person who once loved me so much can say such harsh things to me.. He said everything saddening that I could imagine.. all except "Let's break up".. this was probably the only promise he kept.. I didn't dare to ask cos I was afraid I cant study if he were to say it before my exams ended... But neither can I study when I knew IT was coming... I cried almost every time after we end a heart-wrenching conversation or after I received another of his harsh-sounding msgs.. My eyes was swollen the whole month and I couldn't wear contact lenses at all cos I cried everyday and actually probably every few hours.. During that period of time.. I was so desperate that I called upon many friends for help.. I constantly needed people to talk to me and study together with me to keep me distracted from the hell-like experience.. I hereby like to thank all my friends who spent their precious time on being my listening ear.. thank you so much for taking time off despite that exams were coming.. I couldn't have pulled through my exams if not for all of you.

Through out that period.. I lived in a state of denial.. I told myself it was just the exam stress.. once exams were over everything WILL BE FINE.. it took me so much energy to psycho myself to think optimistic so that I can be motivated to study.. I kept telling myself to study hard, and that exams will be over soon and EVERYTHING (bad) will be over TO... However, when my last paper ended.. I didn't feel happy at all.. I've lost all my strength to keep that positive thought in my mind anymore.. I knew it was coming.. I knew it was coming.... I knew it was coming........

That very night of the last paper.. IT came.. It was over the phone.. He said he didn't want to see my cry, which might exploit his soft-heartedness and affect his decision.. In my heart I was thinking.. after all these pain you have inflicted on me.. wad kind of 'soft-heartedness' are you talking about? He had his plan worked out.. he didn't even give me a chance to stage a "ku rou ji" drama (crying to gain sympathy).. not that I had the intention in the first place anyway.. But this meant I had no say in this at all.. What he said was IT.. I felt so much injustice in me but I saw no point in rebut anymore.. I felt that it was unfair that he determine that we were not meant for each other just from 3 months.. and somemore much of this time was spent on schoolwork.. not on developing our relationship at all.. He was unwilling to give us a chance at all.. I asked him why he took time to try to revive his relationship with his ex when it was on the rocks, while it couldn't be the case for us... One of the reasons he gave was that his previous r/s was much longer so he felt the obligation to try harder to retain.. So in comparison a 3-month r/s can be given up cos it means nothing to you?...Another reason was that he felt that I would have no trouble in finding another guy to love me in future.. and he can give me up with less worries.. (no comments ... ....)

One week has passed now... although I would say now is better than the time before my exams cos now I have no exam stress and plenty of time to go out with my friend.. but my life can never be the same as before all these happened.. I'm reminded of the hurt he gave me whenever I see things connected to him or something we did.. well.. that's like everything lor.. Every morning I wake up having the hope that everything is but a dream and when open my eyes and on my hp I would see his sms just like the good old sweet times.. but within seconds the reality sets in and I feel my heart wrench.. my heart beat accelerate.. All the unhappy thoughts start to flash in my mind involuntarily.. i start to feel breathless and I would break down.. which would make me even more breathless.. It would take me at least an hour to calm myself down and then I would find people to talk on msn or find friends to go out with me.. Through out the day I would be fine.. cos the my friends and very often the shopping malls provide me with plenty of distractions.. But at the end of the day.. probably cos of the dark gloomy night.. I will start to feel down.. I will do stupid things that will make myself sadder.. Like reading through all the past smses and msn histories with him.. Everything was like a bell-curve.. All the bliss increased exponentially at the beginning, then all the bliss decreased exponentially in the end.. It all happened within such a short time.. I know its damn foolish of me to read such things.. but sometimes I feel the urge and the need to cry.. to cry very very hard.. and make myself very very tired.. or else I cant fall asleep at night..

How am I gonna recover? How am I gonna recover?? How am I gonna recover???!!!

This is seriously the first time I am ditched. And ever since 6 years ago when I secretly admired a guy, I haven had the feeling of liking someone but he doesn't like me.. Well.. at least that time I didn't received that guy's love in return and I just watched him from afar.. This time its different.. the feeling of having something precious and then LOSING IT is much much WORSE.. And this whole ordeal has made me so drained that I just cant pull myself together... I cant accept the fact that I've brought all these upon myself.. I SHOULD HAVE rejected him then.. I SHOUD HAVE made him patch up with his ex.. I SHOULD HAVE chose not to believe all his promises.. I SHOULD HAVE been less foolish... AAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Now I truly understand how it feels to be ditched.. maybe its my retribution.. my retribution for ditching guys in the past.. I am very sorry for the bad things I did in the past.. now I have all these bad things done onto me.. I know how it feels now.. im very sorry... sorry... sorry... sorry... Sorry to the people whom I've hurt before in the past.. sorry to his ex-gf (I mean ex ex-gf) for not giving her back her loved one then.. sorry for not knowing that all these would happen.. If I had known I wouldn't have taken him away from her.. Now I know exactly how she felt then.. I am very sorry.. im guilt-stricken.. this is all my retribution.. all my fears in the beginning had come true!!!!!

He has every intention to win her back now.. I sincerely hope he will find the happiness he really wants and I wish him all the best.. not exactly in winning her back.. but to make a good decision this time and not hurt any one of us anymore.. Please..

"To love someone is to let him go, if he is meant for you he will come back by himself."

Will he come back?

Hopes kill...

___* flyy aaaaaawayz *___ 9:22 AM

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