butterflyy...

Friday, May 12, 2006

Guess wad?? I just checked.. My previous entry had 4665 words!!! That's like longer than 2 times the longest essay i wrote in school!! Hahaha.. i am a long-winded lao po po.. Sorry to those who spoiled their eyes reading it.. =p (i've changed the font size to a bigger one.. hope it helps.. haha.)

Although i'm gradually feeling better.. My mood still fluctuates tremendously.. Directly before i sleep and directly after i wake up are the worst times of the day.. I would feel that there is no meaning in my life anymore and i would cry... I would hold my phone in my hands and hope i could call him just like last time.. and hear his sheepish adorable voice typical of him when he just wakes up.. How i miss that but i have to tell myself that it'll never happen again.. What a horrible feeling that is... Then during the day i would be okiee.. cos i would be fully occupied with activities that i try very hard to pack my time with.. During the day... sometimes i can even feel rather happy.. happy that i have a burden off my shoulder.. happy that me and him are still friends and are still talking.. happy that i have many friends who care for me.. But once the night sets in and im alone in my room.. I would start to miss him badly.. I keep telling myself this is just a habit.. and i have to kick this habit.. But no.. i still love him.....

The first time i met him after the break up was when i went for KTV with a group of NUS friends and he was one of them.. That was on tuesday (3 days ago).. I asked him to meet me for lunch before that.. I felt i had so so so much things to say to him.. but once i saw him i was totally relaxed and happy.. I saw his million dollar bright smile.. I heard his soothing therapeutic voice.. I felt his assuring presence and it melted my heart.. I felt that i had hopped onto a time-machine and i was back to December 2005... End up not a single word i intended to say got out of my mouth.. I utterly enjoyed a causal chat with him that was filled with laughter and joy.. Yes.. it seriously did contain laughter and joy.. I finally saw the him i knew in December 2005.. I was so touched that i could have cried.. but i didn't.. I was just so happy..

I thought.. if everything could be reversed.. if time could go back.. back to December 2005.. and if we could maintain our kor and mei relationship.. all these sucky things wouldn't need to happen.. and life now can be so wonderful.. How i miss the times when we were good friends.. the lack of burden, lack of stress, lack of obligations.. carefree and peaceful.. pleasant and enjoyable.. How i miss.. how i miss.. How i wish.. how i wish...

I thoroughly enjoyed that day.. I told him at the end of the day... I wished that we could just be like in the past.. good friends, good soulmates, good kor-mei.. and i would be satisfied.. I really did felt that way then.. But like i said before my mood fluactuates until i dunno wad i am really thinking.. At night before i sleep and in the morning when i rise i would be overwhelmed by depression and all i want was that everything is but a dream and he was still my loving bf.. Then during the day i would feel much better and could msn or sms him as if nothing happened and his response would make me feel so happy.. This cycle repeats everyday... Im utterly confused by myself...

How do you know if you truly love someone? Can you ever be sure?
I only know to love someone is to let the person be happy... Then what about my own happiness? Then maybe love is about sacrifice.. Then wouldn't love be so hard on yourself? ...

___* flyy aaaaaawayz *___ 10:23 AM

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